How I figured it out

Due to a failing in the public school system I went through I thought there was hetero- homo- and bi- sexualities. I knew of LGBTQ, I thought it was Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, cross dressers, and Queer. Due to the homophobia that was very much in my head, I did not want to research other possibilities out side of straight, gay, or bi. I thought I was gay and I did not want to be gay.

Much later in my quest for knowledge I thought it was Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, and Queer. I still did not understand what trans people where, I thought they where men who have had breast implants. I had watched some car part (t slur) porn and one of my friends swore that they saw scaring of the person’s feminine genitalia stitched close. So I started to research the field and discovered that people who are trans are people making a transition, at that time I thought it was only AMAB women.

I spent high school pretending to be straight when I knew I wasn’t, high school is not a fun place but put denying your sexuality on top of that and yeah. After high school I took a year off, I am glad I did but that is another story. Because my high school average was less than 1% to low to get into regular university classes I went into what was called the transition program, it was smaller class sizes so I would not be over whelmed. I was sitting around with some friends when I came up with the idea that in this program we were T slurs, one of those friends asked me if I knew what T slurs where. As I was trying to hide my very limited, but still considerable greater than hers, knowledge in the field I said people with breasts and penises. I was told no “they are just cross dressers,” scaring me away from coming out as it reinforced my idea that people who are trans are only in the porn industry.

So I went threw the rest of that year thinking people thought trans people where cross dressers. I got to a point where I was believing it to, with my lack of knowledge on cross dressing I thought they where all gay. Again I really did not want to be gay, so I was just going to ignore it or try to do things to get away from it. A few friends and I went out for drinks one of these friends, who was very open about being a lesbian came back to the table complaining that she was trying to hit on another one of our friends but she was not getting it. Being the smart ass that I am I said something like “oh if you can talk to her than you are welcome to come back to my place.” I was expecting a slap and or a big F you, but rather she said “oh thanks!” So I was a little shocked at that, the night went on and this other woman went home with another guy or two. So we where all getting ready to leave when the woman who is a lesbian came up to me and asked it the offer for my place was still open, a little shock I said yes and took her back to my place. Because it was my first time it was over really quick so when I was done she said, and I quote, “that was straight sex I see why I am a lesbian.” I used that quote to write it off as to why I did not enjoy it, over a year went by until I hooked up with some other woman we will say it lasted a little longer this time with no horrid quote at the end but I just did not enjoy it.

I took a Psychology of Human Sexualities class, nothing was clicking I did not know why I felt like I did. We watched the movie Solders Girl, I had a “First Time I Saw Me” moment, (How did I know).

Several years went by and now I just know I am trans, I have excepted that I have always known but I did not have the words for it until I was 25 or 26. If I could would I go back and start my transition earlier? If you asked me that by mid 2017 I would have said yes without thinking about it. If I could would I pop a pill to make me cis? If you asked me that up until mid 2018 I would have said yes. I am who I am, because of who I am, all of my life experiences have made me into the strong woman I am today.

I now know that LGBTQ2S+ stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Questioning, 2 Spirit, and everyone else who did not make the cut. I use the term Queer as it is more inclusive and does not leave anyone out. I use Queer because my sexual orientation did not make the cut, there is no room for P in that alphabet for Poly-sexual.