While I was dilating this morning I had a brief period of regret about getting “the surgery,” not because I miss any part of my old genitals. Not because I feel remorse knowing my genes will never get into someone else’s jeans to make babies. Nothing to do with the surgery. I feel that the platform I have stood on has been taken away from me. I currently do not feel safe in an organization that saved my life many times over, I hope that I will feel safe going back in the future. I do not feel safe because I was pushed away after violating someone’s privilege. I used to facilitate a Trans support/social group that ran out of that organization, but when I went away for my surgery the organization started to run it which is good do not get me wrong. Now that I am back I feel that the organization has high jacked it. I could list off many different things I am not happy with, but the one big thing would be I am scared that the group has failed at least one person. Failing one person is one to many, and it is completely unacceptable.
Why I am venting about this now? Last night at the group I used to facilitate, and still help run, the person who was facilitating made the claim that he ran the group.
It was only a brief feeling of regret; I have to remind myself that I was hospitalized in the dube centre because I needed bottom surgery. I have to remember the joy I had when I woke up post op knowing that it was done. I have to remember all the euphoria I have felt, I know it will get better eventually.